Sadness
Sadness is our way of reacting to problems which affect us in a deeply personal way. The natural, human way of responding to sadness is by crying. When we are small and unhappy, we cry naturally to make it clear to those who are close to us and near to us that we need love, sympathy and attention: all the things which help us live with and overcome sadness.
Not that tears only provide an emotional release, they also provide a genuine, physical release. According to a number of researchers who specialise in the subject of grief, and who attended a meeting of the American Psychological Association in Washington, emotionally shed tears don't just provide an important stress relief valve--they also help the body get rid of harmful chemical wastes.
In studies done with both men and women, Dr. William H. Frey of the St. Paul-Ramsey Medical Centre found that tears that were shed for emotional reasons have a higher protein contents than tears shed because of winds, specks of dust and other sources of irritation. It is clear, therefore, that crying is a useful and constructive way of dealing with sadness.
However, because crying is such an obvious physical sign of distress, many people regard it as a sign of weakness and emotional instability. Boys are often taught that it is unforgivable to cry in public and they should bottle up their feelings rather than let themselves be seen with tears on their cheeks. Sadly, but perhaps predictably, the evidence also show that. when children or adults do not cry, they suffer badly when under pressure. People who don't cry because they consider it unacceptable end up not only suppressing their tears but also their emotions.
The damage is done in 3 ways:
1. The storing up of tears means that unwanted chemical wastes are not excreted;
2. The failure to cry means that much-needed love and attention is not obtained;
3. The sense of emotional release through crying is also missed.
Most people will confirm that after crying they feel calm, rested in a strange sort of way. and much happier about their original problems, fears and worries.
The conclusion from all the available evidence has to be that crying is an excellent way of dealing with sadness and sorrow. Individuals who suppress their natural instinct to cry are increasing their chances of acquiring stress-related disorder. If you have acquired a habit of suppressing tears when you feel them welling up inside you, try to get out of the habit; try to let yourself next time you feel upset.
Crying is nothing to be ashamed of. And if you are close to some one who never cries, try to persuade him that crying is neither unnatural nor unmanly.
Anger
Anger is the most commest, most fundamental human feeling produced in responce to any physical or mental pain. It can be produced by our own shortcomings, by disappointments, by frustrations and by what we see as injustices. It can be caused by aggressive ticket collectors, surly car park attendants, officious police officers, rude, indifferent bureaucrafts, mean-minded clerks, impatient drivers, thoughtless relatives and unreasonable employers.
Whatever causes it, anger is often physically, mentally socially and economically damaging.
An angry man:
will raise his voice and become irascible
his face will become red
he will fidget and move around more then usual
and since fear commonly accompanies anger, he will sweat too.
Stored, unexpresed anger produces high blood pressure and all the other symptoms of stress-induced disease. The extra flow of acid into the stomach may help produce an ulcer and persistent anger may produce mental symptoms such as insomnia. Anger is so often linked to pain and discomfort that it is no coincidence that we turn the relationship round and describe red, painful burns and wounds as looking 'angry'.
Many diseases are produced by anger. High blood pressure, heart attacks and strokes are all common consequences of uncontrolled anger. There is enough evidence to show that any individual who suppresses his anger will be more likely to develop cancer than an individual who responds to his anger in a more natural and emotional way.
Among the many studies done, one at the Institute of Psychiatry in London has shown that women who suppresses their anger are more prone to develop breast cancer than women who let their feelings out when they are angry or upset.
Anger is a Killer. And in order to reduce its damaging effects it is vitally important to know just how to deal with it safely and effectively. There are four things to remember if you want to learn how to control the negative force of anger.
Accept the fact that you, like everyone else, will get angryfrom time to time. Anger is a perfectly natural and reasonably healthy response to stressful circumstances. It is not sin to get angry - although it may be a sin to allow your anger to take over your emotions completely. Remember that it is dangerous to suppress your anger and to refuse to acknowledhe its existence.
Learn to recognise when you are heading topwards a confrontation and, if possible, avoid stressful situations. Don't push other people into a position where they cannot easily escape without a tremandous loss of face. Decide as early as possible whether or not the subject is worth getting excited about. If you pick your problem carefully, your anger will be justified and possibly effective and you will suffer far less.
If you feel angry and you believe that your anger is justified, don't suppress it all - let it out.
If you feel anger building up inside you and you feel tempted to get rid of it in some physical way, follow your natural instincts as far as possible. You don't have to race around and hit whoever it is who has annoyed you. But you can get rid of your excess energy and anger by taking part in some hectic and energetic sporting activity.
Dr. Sheldon Tobin, Associate Professor at the School of Social Service Administration at the University of Chicago, found thst the nursing home patients most aggressive, irritating and demanding. The passive, gentle individuals who never complain and who always accept everything that happens to them tend to die sooner.
If your doctor tells you something you don't like, make it clear that you don't like what he's told you. If he tells you that you have got three months to live, make it damned clear that you object to his arrogance. Let your anger out and make up your mind to show him whether he can tell you how long you have got to live! (Paradoxically, getting angry with your doctor will often cement your relationship with him. And if it ruins the relationship, it doesn't really matter, does it? If he doesn't understand how you feel and doesn't respond to your reactions, his presence is hardly helping you.)
Some experts have, in the past, argued that it is sensible to count to ten before acting or speaking when feeling angry. It would now seem that this is a rather counter-productive technique. It doesn't stop anger producing damaging effects, but merely hides the consequences and, in the end, leads to greater problems. The best response to anger is neither to hide it, nor to allow it to turn into an uncontrolled explosion of noise and unhappiness, but to get rid of it by making specific, powerful complaints and expressing your anger and frustration in as positive a manner as possible.
Don't be a whimp, but don't be a boar either!
Whichever technique you choose, getting rid of aggressive feelings will leave you far healtheir than if you allow your feelings to build up inside you.
Some experts have, in the past, argued that it is sensible to count to ten before acting or speaking when feeling angry. It would now seem that this is a rather counter-productive technique. It doesn't stop anger producing damaging effects, but merely hides the consequences and, in the end, leads to greater problems. The best response to anger is neither to hide it, nor to allow it to turn into an uncontrolled explosion of noise and unhappiness, but to get rid of it by making specific, powerful complaints and expressing your anger and frustration in as positive a manner as possible.
Don't be a whimp, but don't be a boar either!
Whichever technique you choose, getting rid of aggressive feelings will leave you far healtheir than if you allow your feelings to build up inside you.
Symptoms of ill health
To certain extent we all use ill health as an excuses to avoid unpleasant tasks. A physical symptom or two can give us solid reliable excuse whenever we are embarrased, frightened, nervous or ashamed. Getting a cold is a good way of avoiding a dinner party you don't fancy very much. Acquiring muscle strain is an excellent way to get out of a sporting confrontation that you fear. And acquiring a headache is a classic way of avoiding an unwanted sexual encounter.
Some of the unconscious links between the body and the body and the mind have drifted into the language. So, for example, we say things like:
'He makes me sick',
'He is a pain in the neck',
'They get up my nose',
'He makes me weak at the knees',
'I can't swallow that',
'I wish he'd bet off my back',
'I've got cold feet', and
'I had to get it off my chest'.
If you are using symptoms or illness as an excuse, you'll almost certainly be totally unaware of it. But if the link is there, it won't be difficult to find. And it will be well worth while doing the necessary digging, for using symptoms of ill health in this apparently advantageous way will, in the long run, produce far more problems than it solves. Your basic fear won't have disapeared. You will still be responding to stress in an unhealthy way. And you will have developed or exacerbated a condition which will have an adverse effect on your health and on your ability to enjoy life.
If you do suspect that you could be developing a set of symptoms in order to protect yourself from unpleasant or threatening experiences, you must ask yourself what benefits you gain from the illness and what the illness really means to you. Then you must learn to deal with your problems in a more positive and constructive way. Ask yourself what it is that you find so difficult to accept that you need to use an illness to hide from it. And then look for alternative solutions.
Incidently, there is one final thing that parents should remember: make sure that you don't overprotect children who are in pain and do not encourage children to associate pain with love and affection. Parents will often make a tremendous fuss of children when they bump themselves. The result is that the children grow up limking pain and discomfort to cuddling and care. In the long run that can easily lead to all sorts of problems.
Boredom
We tend to think of stress and pressure as being caused by too much activity. But inactivity and boredom can be just as grat a cause of stress and can cause all the physical and mental problems associated with having too much to do.
There are four basic groups of people whose lives are threatened by boredome and inaction.
There are those people whose daily work is undemanding and unrewarding.
Replacing skilled workmen with machines has led to a second major cause of boredom - unemployment. Unemployment produces a number of damaging forces, of which boredom is one of the most destructive.
Those individuals who have retired from work but have too little to do un their later years, suffer from boredom.
Boredom is a major cause of stress among the many women whose work keeps tham in their homes. Tied to the kitchen sink and washing machine by a cluster of small children, today's housewife can suffer enormously from boredom.
There has been countless reports published showing that people who are unemployed , or whose jobs are dull and unexciting, suffer from all the usual stress-related diseases. They have a much higher or average risk of developing stomach ulcers, heart disease, asthma and skin problems such as eczema.
But the politicians and the journalists still underestimate the power of boredom as a force. They still fail to understand that it is boredom that is causing much of the stress-related disease in our society. And they fail to see that it is often boredom that drives people to drugs or alcohol. The housewife who becomes a secret drinker, the schoolboy who starts sniffing glue, the pensioner who takes too many tranquilisers, the football vandal behaves in a violent and inexcusable way all have one thing in common: their lives are dull, monotonous, unexciting and without hope. There seem to be no escape from the daily boredome and no hope for the future.
Under the circumstances, it is not surprising that there is no much violence on our football terraces and so much drug-taking in our streets. It is, rather, surprising that there is so little.
Anyone suffering from boredom - or the ill-effects of boredom - needs to add excitement to his or her life. Excitement can provide a stimulus that can keep the mind and the body active and healthy.
If you feel that parts of your life are unspeakably dull and that you need to balance that boredom by adding excitement and colour to your life, do not despair. There are plenty of ways in which you can add excitement to your life.
Take up a pastime or hobby which you find rewarding. Do things that you can become really good at, and something that you can take pride in. If you have no job at all then consider a possibility of establishing a small business of your own. Window cleaning, grass cutting, gardening and catering for special events are just a few of the obvious ways to begin a small business venture withour much capital.
If you find yourself working with machines which you don't understand, and which break down regularly, do your best to find out how they operate and how you can keep them going. If you soend your days with a machine which you don't understand, it will become your master and ruin your life. If you know how the machine works and you can help keep it in good working condition, then it can become your servant.
If you need more intellectual stimulation in your life, or you need the feel for new friends, then start taking evening classes or day classes at a local college. Don't just pick a subject that sounds useful. Find something that excites you and that you will enjoy. If it's useful as well, consider that a bonus.
Learn to avoid potentially boring situations with as much as skill and tact as yoy can muster.
Plan your life as cautiously as you like and as carefully as you can. But be prepared to take risks occasionally. If you never take risks because you are frightened of the possible consequences, your life will be dull. The individuals whose lives we find most attractive are those who are most readily prepared to take chances. If you takerisks and fail, you will at least have tried. If you never take risks, you'll never know what you could have achieved. And you'll probably die of boredom. What a sad way to go.
If you are doing something immeasurablydull and unspeakably boring, escape by creating a fantasy daydream for yourself. Remember: In order to relax your mind you need to create a soothing, calm, relaxing situation. In order to defeat boredom you need an invigorating, exciting fantansy.
Failing Relationship
Our relationships with other people have a tremendous influence on our lives in general and health in particular. In order to stay healthy, it is clearly important that we understand what factors influence how we get on with other people.
We all behave in many different ways when we are with different people. We act differently with our lovers, employers, emplyeess, spouse, neighbours, doctors, friends, parents and children.
However stable and constant we may consider ourselves, different people will always think of us in different ways.
Our roles in our life will vary according to our own beliefs and aspirations, according to the attitudes and needs of others and according to the ways in which our needs and their needs inter-react. We are none of us single individuals. If our parents described our virtues, our business enemies would not recognise us. If our children described us, the chances are that our employers wouldn't know whom they were talking about.
If you try to understand the basis upon which your relationships are built, you will be much more likely to enjoy those relationships rather thean suffer through them.
Some simple, basic guidelines worth following with all your relationships.
try to take care not to allow the prejudices of others to influence your attitudes to people you have not met. If you accept other people's judgements, you will often make mistakes. Remember that any relationship is a result of an interaction between two quite separate sets of needs, ambitions and requirements. If you accept second-hand judgements, you are accepting second-hand needs, ambitions and requirements.
When you meet someone new, try not to allow your past prejudices and personal experiences to have too much influence on your relationships. If you judge people by the way they dress. for example, you will only ever make friends with people who have a similar social or cultural background to yourself.
Always remember that even people who are close to you will often have feelings, ambitions ans fears which vary considerably from your own. Consequently their attitudes towards specific events may vary considerably from yours. If you expect other people to respond to your circumstances in the same way as you, you will undoubtedly end up being disappointed. Try to learn as much as you can about the people with whom you have close relationships - the people who are important to you and your health. And try to understand their fears and needs. If you do this, your personal relationships will be strengthened.
Guilt
It is an emotion that is difficult to define precisely, but in practical terms it is hard to distinguish it from what we commonly call our consciences. We feel guilty when we feel that we have failed in some way. It is one of the most powerful and damaging human emotions. And ironically, it is an emotion that is built on love and compassion.
Guilt fall into one of two main categories.
There are the types of guilt that result from our personal relationships with other people. Sometimes, guilt can be introduced crudely and deliberately, as when a mother says to her son or daughter, 'You wouldn't do that if you loved me.' Sometimes, guilt is produced subtly and unintentionally, as when one partner says to another, 'Don't worry about me, You go off and enjoy yourself. I'll be all right.
There are othe types of guilt which result from the demands, expectations and teacings of those around us.
There are other types of guilt which result from the demands, expectations and teacings of those around us. Most of us an inbuilt sense of right and wrong and if we trespass against it, we feel guilty.
This inbuilt sense of right and wrong does not, however, come from some mysterious, inherited force, but from social and religious projudices which have been established by instruction and example.
Thses types of guilts are produced by pressures exerted by teachers, religious leaders, politicians, philosophers and pundits of all kinds.
The most important and damaging effect it has is to create within us a feeling of inferiority abd inadequacy: a positive lack of self-confidence. We feel gilty because we fail to live upto the expectations of those around us (both social and personal) and as a result we feel insecure and lose our confidence.
It is directly through its ability to damage our confidence that guilt cause so much physical and mental damage. Because we feel guilty about our failure to satisfy our parents (and others who have expectations for us) we feel a sense of shame and we lose our self-esteem. And as a result, we push ourselves far more cruelly than any slave driver ever pushed his slave.
This internally inspired pressure is the most damaging type of stress. It is impossible to escape from it and the consequences can be far-reaching. The greater our ;ack of self-confidence, the greater our risk of developing heart disease, stomach ulcers, asthma, intestinal problems, skin conditions and the other hundred and one problems associated with pressure and tension.
If your health is being put at risk by a lack of self-confidence, you can use your mind to help your body by emptying it of hate, regret, fear and guilt and filling it instead with positive feelings and hopeful thouhts; you must learn to think of yourself as a success.
There are 10 specific steps that you can take to help yourself conquer guilt and gain health-giving confidence.
- If you lack confidence, the chances are that, although you know very well what your weaknesses are, you don't know what your strengths are. You are probably rather timid and shy (even though other poeple may not realise that) and you doubtless have little faith in your own abilities. To counteract those fears, sit yourself down with a piece of paper and a pencil and write down all the good things you can think of to say about yourself. Imagine that you're preparing your own obituary and try to pick out all your very best points. Individuals who are very shy and lacking in self-confidence tend to be unsually honest, generous, thoughtful and hard-working. you're probably punctual, careful, moral, kind, ambitious and unsually creative.
- Learn to put things into proportion. You may feel that you have failed your parents because you haven't managed to become a millionaire by the age of 35 but would you really criticise anyone else for such am absurd 'failure'? You'll almost certainly find that you expect far too much from yourself - and put yourself under quite unreasonably amounts of pressure.
- Try to boost your self-confidence by thinking of your faults as virtues. Shynes, far example, isn't necessarily a dissadvantage. The unusually shy are often exceptionally aware of the problems involved in buiding up any sort of relationship. The shy tend to try harder - and have greater of care and unselfish affection to share weith their friends and loved ones. You may be rather obsesional. But that probably means that you great attention to detail and that you can be relied upon to be observant and watchful. You're probably often unusually sensitive to criticism. And yet just think of those individuals who are insensitive to criticism: they can often be rude, unthinking and boorish. Which would you rather be?
- Your lack of self-confidence will mean that you will often worry about disastrous things happening to you. It may be possible for you to "diffuse" this particular fear by always asking yourself, 'What is the most thing that can happen in this situation?' You'll often be surprised that the 'worst' reality isn't all that bad. Once you know the worst, you can make plans accordingly.
- try not to think of every rejection as a personal insult. If the film producers who read the play you have written all send it back, it may very well be because they are busy with some other project, or because they don't have the intelligence to spot a winner when they see one. They aren't turning you down because they hate you or your script.
- when you are next feeling rather down, make a list of all your assets--that is , a list of the things in your life that ae important to you-->your partner, your children, integrity, friends, health, country, interests, knowledge, your accomplishments and so on.
- Make oa list of all the things you are supposed to be really bad at. Then put the list in order, your worst shortcomings on the top of the list. Then work your way up the list to from the bottom, doing what you can to eradicate each shortcoming in turn. We all get labels as we go through life and those labels are often quite unfair. Labels can often be applied on the basis of an isolated comment or experience or a misinterpretation. But once you have acquired a label, you'll find yourself expecting to fail. Because of other people's feelings about you, you will have learned to be helpless and incompetent.
- Try to be aware that there are many people who have A VESTED INTEREST IN YOUR SHORTCOMINGS. For example: Occassionally, friends and relatives will want you to feel incompetent so that they can continue to boost their own confidence by providing you with guidence and protection.
- Don't be ashamed of your mistakes. everyone makes mistakes occasionally. Don't worry about admitting that you are wrong. No one can be right all the time. Accept your responsibility, deal with any consequences and try to learn what you can from the error. Other people who find it difficult to accept your apologies are very probably short of confidence themselves. They are particularly conscious of your errors beacause you remind them of their own fallibility.
- Accept your limitations, your shortcomings and your faults. Find out just how far you are prepared to go. Then temper this knowledge this knowledge of your limitations with the realisation that everyone else has limitations too. But atleast you know what yours are. And that will always give you an edge.
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